Well today has been a rough one. First off I have been planning my friends Bachelorette/Bridal Shower party for a while now and in the beginning I had a job and also three ladies that were helping me with the planning and the funds to support it. Well the first few weeks two of the ladies decided they did not have time to partake in the planning so it was one gal and I that was left with the planning, she and I met and discussed all of the details in planning the party and who was going to take care of what. Well I recently lost my job so I am struggling to pay my bills and don't even know how I am going to pay rent I am talking seriously in debt. Well I emailed this gal that I needed her help with the funds as I am unable to pay for it now or at least wont be able to get all the stuff I had planned without her help, and I basically asked her to pay for the rest and that I would pay her back once I had a job..let me tell you I HATE asking people for help let alone for money with an event that I planned to take care of on my own in the beginning. So, I sent that email on Sunday or Monday so that she would have plenty of time to gather the funds for the last things for the party, I never got an email back and I noticed that she had been on this website recently so I know that she had to of read it and never responded. As of today I decided I was tired waiting for her to email me back so I built up the strength to text her and the response I got was not what I expected, I would have understood if she would have said I can't pay for the rest or whatever but I got "I didn't get your message and I have to let you know that I will not be coming to the party as something came up:" Wow, first off I understand that things come up but to say that to me after I sent you a message at the beginning of the week about helping pay for the rest of the event and to wait to tell me the day that I have to text you on the account that you never answered me back and claim to not have seen the message. Hmm can I say I feel as though she is lying about something there..either she saw the message (and I know she saw it, as she has been on the website in which it was sent since I sent it) and decided that I was asking to much of her and decided instead of saying no she can't help she decided to lie and say that she had other things suddenly come up. Or she just does not want to do it anymore, I just find the circumstances of "something came up" the same week I ask for help and you not "seeing the message" and not answering me back and you wait for me to give up and text you is hard to believe.
Now people the reason I don't have trust in her answer is I just feel it and also I have been let down like this before...why in the hell can't people just be honest with me I am not a scary person I will understand if you explain it to me.
Well now after that I was stressed and I don't like telling the BRIDE what is going on as it is her time to be drama free and this is my problem to deal with not hers. But I explained it to her and she is just a sweetheart cause the gal that backed out only helped with the invites and completely fucked me over cause I was left with how I was going to pay for the rest of the shindig as well as how I was going to pay for stamps to send the invites out. Well I just asked the bride to send out a mass text to the 30 ladies invited and let them know where it was to be held at and to rsvp to me, she responded that I should just send them out and I was stuck in a corner so I had to tell her of my job loss and not being able to pay for stamps. She was understanding and offered to get me some stamps so that I can get them out, wow the bride is not only pregnant but she is planning a wedding that is less than two months away and she is willing to help me with stamps( I feel pathetic though, so broke I can't even afford stamps).
After that I was just crying cause I am depressed about being this badly in debt and I usually keep to myself about my financial woes, the only one that knows is my boyfriend.
So, my boyfriend went down to practice with his band as it is the day that they practice..after a few hours I texted him as I didn't want to bother him while he was practicing, that I was hungry and what he wanted to eat. I waited for about thirty minutes and he finally texted me back "booze" I kinda laughed as usually he eats before he eats, a few seconds later he came into the room smelling of booze and I asked him why he smelled of booze and he was in a hurry to get back downstairs cause they were doing shots..WTF I mean would it be to much to ask if he considered my feelings as maybe I wanted to drink or get the fuck out of this house as I needed it..with tears streaming down my face..I could hear his friends screaming his name as they had a shot waiting for him..he rudely repled that he basically told me so on my money situation..first off he has NEVER been that rude when I have been crying and he NEVER acts like he doesn't care. Well let me tell you he acted that way tonight as he wanted to get drunk with his buddies, I must be a really boring girlfriend as I don't like to drink anymore and I just keep to myself that he resorts to being hateful as he has been the past week.
Well I don't know what to do I am financially, physically, emotionally freaking out right now as I have not a lot of people to talk to..In a way its my fault but it would be nice to be accepted for who I am, if people took the time to get to know me, they would find a person full of laughter, niceness and one who puts other's needs in front of her own. I am sick of this I love my boyfriend cause he is usually considerate of my feelings and treats me like gold, but lately he has changed idk if he is just sick of me not having a job and having to help me stay out of debt or if its what he uttered to me a while back "I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship, cause I like being alone"...I find myself thinking of those words with times like these where I am left alone to stew in my own misery and pain.
Until next time-(
Each month I will be blogging about what happened that month. Please leave comments as you wish I love em
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
So, I currently live with my boyfriend Scott (AKA: Blue) and his friends Haley, James and Andrew they are also his bandmates in a band called Arsenic Addiction. It will be 2 years in July since I moved in and yes its been an experience but lately I have felt better about things around here and I am not so quick to say no when it comes to hanging out downstairs..I now enjoy hanging out.
Blue and I have been together 3 years on September 4th of this year and I have to say that it has been an amazzing two years. He is the best boyfriend that I have ever had, he treats me really well and takes very good care of me! It's weird cause in the beginning I was not used to being treated so well that I closed my heart and kept to myself even though he tried and tried to show me that it was okay to open up I just felt weird and unusually happy. My other boyfriends were used to treating ladies like they were tools instead of girlfriends, so when this man came along and showed me what it was like to relax and have fun and that it was okay to open up and to love and be loved in return it was unexpected.
One day Blue was going to his parents house in Springville and invited me to go with him to meet his family..I was shocked as his family is mormon and in the past when I dated a man that was mormon his mama and his family (mostly his mama) hated me even though I am not a bad girl and treated her son like gold..they hated me and made me feel like I was satan! Example one of the guys I dated I thought was nice I met him at Broulims he was a cashier like me and we were great friends but then we decided to date (NEVER DATE A GUY FROM WORK!!!! ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WAS YOUR FRIEND FIRST CAUSE IT FUCKS EVERYTHING UP.) So, one day he took me home to meet his parents I dressed nice nothing revealing and I was really polite and nice but she hated me and made me feel like crap but now I realize that I was dressed fine it was just the fact that I was not mormon and I de-virginized her son. Well long story short after 5 months of dating he moved in with me as his parents were against him dating me when one day his sister called and had him come over to his parents house and his parents offered him a car if he dumped me..Hmm well guess what he chose-the damn car. Needless to say I felt cheap and really hurt that he chose a car over me...Anyhoo when Blue and I got to his parents house his parents made me feel so welcome and then when we left his sister and mother gave me a big hug...it made me almost cry as they reminded me of my late grandpa Layton (as he never judged me nor my mom for not going to church and being a part of the mormon church he accepted us for who we were and loved us for being us)
It was that day that I decided to open my heart and let him in, also because my mother really liked him and in all of my years of dating I kidd you not she did not like ANY of my boyfriends she would always incourage me to break up with them (which I wish I would have done it cause all of my ex's treated me like horseshit) But with Blue she always tells me that she loves him and I also noticed that she put our picture that we had Haley take in her wallet (thats another good flag as she NEVER put a picture of me and my ex's in her wallet or anywhere that people could see, cause she hated them! I always had professional pictures done of me and my ex's and gave them to her and she never kept them) The pictures I had Haley take of Blue and I she put a few up in the living room, her room and in her wallet..talk about AMAZZZZING!
I know my mother and his mother would love that cause his mother treates me like family and my mother loves Blue and considers him her son-in-law already but like I said that is a good thing :)
the other night my good friend that was dear to my heart left this world for a better place. When I found out yesturday I realized now more than ever that Blue is my everything and I told him yesturday that I wanted to marry him and have his children cause I want to grow old with him and I want to be there for every single time in his life..I want to be his shoulder to lean on, his shelter when he needs someone to hold on to, his rock when he needs someone to talk to and his star when he needs to be given a little push to succeed in his dreams. I want to be there to share his laugher, anger, saddness and most of all his happiness!
The next person whom I love with all of my being is my mother Shannon..she is my bestfriend, hero, mentor and best of all my mother! She is the best mom a lady could ever ask for and I am glad that she is all mine...she sometimes has doubts if she has raised me right and I am here to tell you that she did a great job at raising me, she was a single mother and she had a rough time with it at times as there were times that the debts were high and she had to bust her ass just to make ends meet so that she could put food on the table..but she never let it shine through her around me, she always made me feel loved and even though she was broke she would do what she could to make me feel loved. As the years have gone by I will remember all the good times that we had together, like the trip to Las Vegas for my 16th birthday that was a lot of fun got to see Lance Burton (to bad Criss Angel wasn't around cause I would have loved to see that sexy man and drool lol) but Lance was amazzing too, I also enjoyed the Terminant of Kings that was fun..gosh my mom and I were so confused when they brought the food to use, cause you had to eat with your hands because thats how they would eat in mideavel times..so anyhow we were brought a bowl of tomato soup, a chicken and a piece of brocolli and we just stared at the bowl of soup trying to figure out how the hell we were going to eat it then we both laughed when we noticed a handle lol so basically we had a "blonde" moment! I also will treasure all of the amazzing concerts that she has taken me to I have an awesome mom at that cause I enjoy music like she does we both love the 80's hair bands Dokken, Godsmack, Motley Crue, Scorpions, Queensryche etc. Well let me tell you concerts are not cheap and because of her I've seen almost all of the bands that I love and wanted to see-She took Blue and I to see Black Label Society and Judas Priest in Concert that was an amazzing show and Blue only wanted to see BLS but he did not enjoy them as much as Priest which was weird cause he doesn't like the music that my mother and I like, I've seen Priest with her I believe that was my second time seeing them with her (funny thing is both times she took me to see Priest she bought a ticket for my "then" boyfriend steven then this last time she took Blue lol)
She took me to see the best concert ever-Godsmack and Metallica back in November of 2000 i think, Rob Zombie and Lacuna Coil, Evenesence and finally Godsmack and Motley Crue for the Cruefest I just started seeing Blue otherwise I would have brought him. Now she surprised me by buying us Tickets to see Scorpions and Queensryche in June it was an early birthday present..She spent over $200 for our tickets as she went all out on these ones we have front and center seats I am so excited.
So, my dad is another but I am not as close to him as I am to my mother cause I was raised by my mother as I lived with her and he was not around a whole lot when I was little as he had a gf at the time that hated me and only wanted my dad to father her daughter and not me and because my dad was an ass at that time he chose her instead of me so he never came and saw me until I was older. Now he is starting to come around and he is amazzing cause he is a mechanic and always fixes my car and doesn't charge me for it..I really appreciate him for that..Love you Blue, Mom and Dad with all of my heart.
Until next time :)
Friday, May 11, 2012
I decided that I had to share what happend to me last night..so it is 4:00 in the morning of course, gosh I keep telling myself that I should go to bed no later than 1:30 but I get to surfing the net and lose track of time so I am going to write this and then to bed I shall go!
Okay so I am not a person that chills with people I normally just keep to myself and thats the way I have always been, I don't have a problem with people I just have always been what you might like to call a "Loner" I have been that way since I can recall. And I also have a problem with "wearing my heart on my sleeve" I sometimes wish that I had a heart of stone in which whatever people say or do I would have a fuck you attitude and not care..but damnit I do! So I woke up one morning and decided that I need to make some changes and try new things to make me happy so I decided that this month being May that I would try to do things differently for a change.
I have been going to school and trying to make friends but again making friends is difficult for me as I tend to revert to my old "friend making habits" as in I chose the "bad apples". So, I decided that I would just start going in the right direction of going to College to pursue my dream of becoming a Criminilist and finally getting out of the house to see if I can find people out there that have some similarities as I do!
I also have been trying to hangout downstairs with my boyfriend and I am trying to get to know my roomates more so that I can get a feel of what they are like and not be locked in my room all the damn time.
So, today I decided to go downstairs and hangout with everybody and I actually enjoyed myself laughing and joking with everybody. Then one of my roomates had her friend over that wanted her to read terot for him, she does an amazzzing job reading terot.
I decided that it had been a long time since she had read mine so I decided to ask her for a reading and she said that she would, when I sat down I was excited cause usually her cards give me advice on stuff that I am screwing up on and this time I knew that I had started to change my life for the better at least in my eyes so I figured that they would give me kudos for doing right hmm (Guess I Was Wrong..DEAD WRONG) They said that I was not only (stuck in a fantasy land cause I am not going in the right direction) But that I was lying to myself in thinking that I was doing better. So, they basically told me what I knew deep down inside but was not willing or afraid to admit to myself as I was lying to myself thinking it was all okay, So I needed to hear that. She explains what each card means and gives advice as well and she does a great job at it, I read Terot too but mine are Angel readings and those I do an excellent job on. In a way I am like her when it comes to Angel readings cause I have been doing it for a long time and with those I understand what the card is trying to say to the person with whom I am doing the reading for and I can explain it to them. I can even do over the phone readings cause I am so good..but recently like a year ago..I believe, bought me a set of Fairy Terot Cards and it is such a beautiful deck but I still don't understand how to read these ones as they are more -to-the-point as in past, present and future they also give you advice whereas my Angel cards give you more advice and guidence as what to do in your current situation and sometimes your future hardly ever your past. So, the first time I did a reading with those on one of my roomates she had to help me interpret the cards meanings as she has a better understanding of fairy cards. I even borrowed a book to learn how to read those so that I can actually start to give readings to myself at least with those cards cause they are beautiful and they are just sitting in the box that I bought for them.
My point is..is that I believe that last night with the readings it brought a better understanding between the roomates and I cause they were able to ask me questions and I was able to get my questions answered. Also because I actually hungout for a change and came right out and asked them certain stuff I believe that they respected me for it or at least they were in a better mood because of it. I hope that this is a new beginning for us and I want to follow her advice that she gave to me "The way to become closer to me is to be honest, we will except you for you, even if you are fucked up. Just be honest and we will except you" I don't remember if she said it in that way but she said those words.
Okay so I am now tired and I will blogg either tomorrow or in a few weeks..as always feel free to leave a comment as long as it is nice as I will delete if its offensive in any way- <3 to all that reads this
Thursday, May 10, 2012
~My Month of April Showers~
I am an Aries I was born on April 4, 1987 to Shannon and Kelly in Salt Lake City, Utah. So I had a birthday and now I am 25 yay..how about not, my birthday..well it SUCKED ASS to say the least and its sad when you realize who your true friends are and whom you need to just say bye get the fuck out of my life and its also sad when you let a person or person's that you thought were nice and whom you have to see everyday ruin it for you hmm but thats a story for another blog as I was so pissed about it I may start a river and build a bridge for my bitching. Oh but my amazzzing boyfriend and mother made me feel special ;) my man bought me flowers and took me out to eat and by just being the man that he is :) and my mom is a kickass mom, she bought us both tickets to see Scorpions and Queensryche on June 11th at Usana I am so excited to see that show. I owe all the great concerts that I had the pleasure of going to..to my mother, I have seen almost all of the bands that I want to see except for Dokken, Ozzy and I am sure there are others but I can't think of them right now as it is 3:17am yes I know wtf am I doing up so late or should I say so early..gosh idk I haven't been able to sleep the last few nights and then I have been sleeping in until 12 wasting my day away arg.
On another note I don't know why but April sucked for me other than starting school yesum I did..I kick some trash and I know it lol I am getting my Associates in Criminal Justice I want to become a Criminalist they do the Crime Scene Lab Work instead of going to the crime scenes they handle the stuff afterwards ie: DNA, Blood, Semen etc. I quite enjoy it other than I get annoyed at the fact that I am in College and if I miss a day (one day) I get a call asking where I am and why I aint there..Um newsflash I am an adult if I wanted to be babysat I would have joined a daycare :] its so fucking annoying excuse me while your on the phone do you want to hold my hand while I go to the bathroom too..lol and the people they let in to college especially the Criminal Justice program omg I mean they act so Irresponsible and disrespectful towards the teacher I mean I am paying to go to a school that has adults not children if I wanted to deal with adulesence I would sign up for little league! If they are just out of highschool at least act responsible and not childish. Prime example I have been put on the fentaynal patch and I have not felt so good from it and I have managed to get my homework done on time (which I might add has not been easy to do cause this particular teacher gives us like 4 papers to write a week and its only going to grow more by the week) she also put on our Sylabus (a booklet that has our class assignments and homework for each week) THAT SHE DOES NOT I REPEAT DOES NOT EXCEPT LATE WORK!!!! So, naturally everyone knew of her expectations the first day of class. Also, she gathers them at the beginning of class so you can't even work on it if you wanted to. So, the second week of school I started the patch and I was miserable so I decided to take a day off so even though I felt horrible I remembered her rule that she doesn't except late work so I rushed in before class started to give her my homework that was due that night. Last week I came into class (Another point that annoys me class starts at 6:00 not 6:10 not 6:30 SIX I understand you have work etc but to always be late that is childish and unexceptable for those of us that are wanting to be there) I was on time like always and my teacher collected our homework the five of us out of 30 that was there on time needless to say half of the class was late-a minute later one of the students walks in late and made a comment that all of the students that were missing (with the exception of one that is always late due to work conflicts) was in the damn library hmm I wonder what they were doing -HOMEWORK for this class that was due like now so I was like hmm okay well I don't care cause its there fault that they will be marked tardy and that they will not get credit as she does not except late work. So the rest of the "children" walk in the door and hand my teacher their homework, wtf um for one thing they were not 5 but 30 minutes late because they were doing their homework that was due that night because they apparently don't understand the concept of homework (homework-it is work that one does at home) duh that is why it is called homework and my teacher accepted their work. So I naturally went to talk to one to the program directers of this issue as I wanted to vent, not get anybody into trouble but to discuss my issues and ask her advice as to what I should say or do. But she was no help as she told me that I will find that at any college! Um that is Unexeceptable it is College not Highschool not Elementary fucking college a place that you have to pay a lot of fucking money just to go and half of these kids got grants that pays for their whole tuition and they don't care as much cause they don't have to pay it back..well guess what I have to pay mine back so I am serious about graduating and I am sick of seeing things handed to people on a silver platter that don't fucking deserve it. I have to bust my ass to get what I have and I am still busting my ass to get by.
Wow, see I told you people that if I would have wrote about the "so called fuckers" that fucked up my bday I would have done just this lmao only worse. But hey this is my blog so if you don't like reading this then you don't have to..My page should only have ppl that want to read my blogs and be a part of my life. For those of you that don't and are here to judge me feel free to leave my page as I am done with people that fuck with my emotions. If you want to leave a comment kindley do as I welcome them(only nice ones please as I will delete any that offend me in any way)
Until next month when I write for the month of May :) unless I find something else to write about
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